FadeAway1694

Hey guys. Sooooo, one of my fave bands, In This Moment, just released their new album, Black Widow. Aaaaaand I don't think I like it. Granted, there's a song or two that I don't mind, but the rest is just... -sigh- I don't know where to start. And I feel bad for not liking it as much as I feel I should, but I don't like the new direction they are heading in. A Star-Crossed Wasteland was their best album and I wish they would've kept with that. I like Blood and The Dream, but ASCW is the best. (Although they definitely needed a new music video director because you can get good stories pictured in your head by listening to the songs, but the music vids were really bland and had no story to them.) Or at the very least, IMO, Maria Brink should do what Andy Biersack and Trevor McNevan have done and go do some different stuff on the side as a separate project, so as to not detract from the original band. Anyway, question of the day/week/month: Has this happened to any of your favorite bands/artists? (Where you don't like the direction they are heading/have headed?)

Hey guys, I'm not even going to try to apologize for how long it's been since I've even touched this site. I'm just going to ask how ya'll are since all of the Journal entries will be very outdated by the time I get to them. (I try to sort through the deviations first.) Not that anyone actually cares to read my entries, but that's okay. Quick update on my life: The last friend I had in this town has moved away. It really sucks, being alone. Yeah, I still have my fiance, but that's it. We still don't have a car, and I still owe $3K+ to the IRS. But I'm working on it. I finally got an increase in my work hours. So I can take care of things a little more now. Still planning on moving out of this dump, but it's a lil' hard now that all the good places have been taken since the college kids have moved back into town. Oh well. Anyhoofle, I'm going to try to get on here more often. Various other things have been happening and I actually might have a little inspiration to get back to writing. But seriously, what going on with you?

And now I'm using Pokemon references. -sigh- Guess I'll never get away from being a nerd, huh? Oh well. This is going to be a relatively long journal, so here's the Table of Contents so you can skip to an interesting part. Even though all of it is just me rambling on and complain about my life and is in no way, shape, or form, interesting.

I. In which I express and explain my anger over getting kicked out of church.
II. In which I express all my emotion over the loss of what few friends I had.
III. In which I explain random little details bothering me in life now.
IV. In which I question whether or not I want to get married after all.


I.  My family was kicked out of church recently by court. My dad was (stupidly) emailing back and forth with one of the new girls to help her with a science project. (Or maybe it was a church project. Either way, totally harmless and innocent.) My 16-year old brother has seen the emails and has told me they were fine... until SHE got aggressive. So then, the youth minister (who I have never liked anyways because he is a hypocrite and he downright insulted my taste in music) decides to tell this girl's grandfather to 'watch out' for my dad. Which is hilariously stupid because my dad is a good man and did nothing wrong. Not to mention he was a COP at one point in time. Next thing I know, Dad gets a court order for no contact between him and the church. He can't go within 800 feet of the church or her school. Not that that matters because the town the church is in is an hour away from us anyways. However, this is the second church we have been kicked out of because of stupid, judgmental people. The first one was because I moved in with a man that I'm not married to. And yes, that is solely my fault, but the rest of my family didn't feel like taking in all the criticism and the stares. Turns out this second church was no different on that front. One of the members decided she should voice her opinion about my 'living in sin' to my mother instead of taking it up with me personally. Though, I was pretty sure the bible says that is you have a problem with someone, you take it to THEM, not to their family and certainly not to court. -sigh- I'll be honest, I've completely lost faith in man and in religion. In God? I don't know yet... 

II.   You know what really sucks though? Because of the above section, I now have no friends. Through other situations, I lost most of the other ones, but the church thing really fucked up what little social life I had left. One of my friends is in England on Air Force duty, another is in college far away from me, and I pushed two really good friends away because I couldn't handle their constant bitching at me about each other anymore. A few months back, I also pushed away another really good friend because she and her husband wanted to have sex with me and I was offended. (I have since apologized and tried to mend the bond, but she has made it clear she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.) The few friends from church that I liked and would actually try to keep in contact with, won't talk to me anymore. So I reached out to the girl I had a crush on in college. She told me she would move out here when she graduated and she would keep me company. I had to laugh because I knew it was a joke, but... I wouldn't mind it. Right now, I just want SOMEONE to talk face to face with. 

III. Which leads me to somehow talk about the other little problems going on. First off, I am getting really fucking tired of BF's dad jerking us around with the whole car situation. He has been telling us he is going to drive a car out to us SINCE SEPTEMBER. And now he's decided t=he would rather just have us buy a car and he'll fly out and help us pick it out. But he's 'still on the fence' about driving the other one out to us. It's really pissing me off. BF and I are not counting on anything from his side of the family anymore. We will just have to save up and get a car sometime in a year or 2. After I'm done saving up the $3300 I owe the government because I'm an independent contractor. Even though I've been with the company I work for for 2 1/2 years. I know it's stupid, but it would be nice if they would make me an actual employee so I could actually get insurance (I can't afford it right now) and so I could NOT have to give the IRS $3300 by the end of the year. Oh, and my depression is back in full swing. I'm getting damn good at hiding it, but I don't know for how long. I know sooner or later the urge to want to die will come back too. Oh well. 

IV. I'll be honest, I don't actually know if I do want to marry this man. Recently he has exhibited behaviors that I don't like and disagree with immensely. Maybe I'm just uber-controlling. I don't like hurting people, least of all him, but I'll give it more time to be sure. I do keep getting the urge to pick up and leave, though. Not just him, but my current life in general. I'm not happy. I'm stuck. And I don't know what to do. I was going to expand on this more, but now, I kinda don't want to. I think I'm just gonna go lay down and cry for awhile...

HOLY FREAKING COW. I'M GETTING MARRIED!? So yeah. My future hubby and I have been talking about it for a few days and decided that we want to go through with it. The whole sha-bang. Sooo, I may be posting on here more often just so I have everything I have in mind for it in a collective little place because I don't want to post it to Facebook just yet. (He wants to ask my parent's permission/blessing first, but I've already got a TON of plans that I've been working on for years.) Anyhoofle, I just had to tell SOMEONE before my brain exploded.

Alright, so other than my parents, I never really talked to anyone else about this, but it has gotten to the point of pissing me the fuck off. I live in a relatively quiet neighborhood, there's kids playing around outside and the police only drive by on the other side of the road occasionally (usually on their way to the reservation). Not too shabby, right? WRONG. My neighbors are CREEPY AS FUCK. I live in one of those quad apartment complexes. (Basically, there's a front door, and when you open it, you either go up or down stairs and there will be an apartment on the left and right of both sets of stairs. Not sure that makes sense, though, lol.)  I live downstairs to the left, and the one on the right is the one I'm about ready to call the cops on or something. Back in the summer after my better half moved in, the little girl that lives there (she's like 11) started walking around and peeking in our windows at pretty much ALL HOURS. It was quite disturbing. Especially since he and I hadn't seen each other for awhile and wanted some *cough* ALONE time. So we ended up get these big, black, heavy curtains so she'd stop peeking into our business. Well, that's one problem solved. My bf is a smoker, so he goes outside frequently to have a cigarette. AND SHE WOULD FOLLOW HIM. Asking all kinds of stupid questions like "Where's the girl? Did you make her stay inside?" and "I see she made you take the trash out." To which he responds that we don't MAKE each other do anything, we ASK because it's polite. And one of the times she followed him out, SHE WAS ONLY IN HER FUCKING TOWEL. And what's worse? HER MOTHER DIDN'T STOP HER! WTF?!?!?! Eventually we used a few choice swear words when we heard her door open, along with a middle finger or two and she stopped following him/us outside. Now, we don't have a car, so my parents come to pick us up for anything we need (groceries, laundry, etc.). And while she doesn't follow us out anymore, she still stares at us out her window, which is creepy enough. Also, with the car thing, there are only 5 parking spots in our driveway. Maybe six if you squeezed in. Although WE don't have a car, and the bitch upstairs just has a little car, (Side note on her: Her dog is annoying as fuck. I don't mind the occasional barking, but it howls constantly and sounds like a tornado siren. And she herself just think she's better than you. She has said basically to my bf's face that his smoking is disgusting and she shouldn't have to come home to that. What she doesn't know is that he's trying to quit and is down to less than half a pack a day. She has also said to him that we need to be quieter in the bedroom because it 'disturbs her'. Bitch I'm not going to stop having sex because you don't like it. And I'm definitely not going to be quiet because if you've EVER had good sex, you'd know that you really can't control your volume. Anyways) these other fuckers have THREE FREAKING HUGE TRUCKS. Well, technically two, since the other one is a FUCKING SEMI. Maybe it's just me, but this is RESIDENTIAL parking and I honestly don't think that the semi should be allowed here because it is a commercial vehicle. The other thing that bugs me about their vehicles is that the dad (who looks at everyone like they are the scum of the earth and has this "I'm better than you" attitude) is the ONLY one that drives. AND HE'S GONE 90% OF THE TIME!!! So why the fuck are you storing your goddamn trucks here if you NEVER use them? Like literally never. They pretty much haven't moved since they were parked there. And so my mom has no parking to come pick us up or drop off groceries or anything. Especially when the complex next door (though they have PLENTY of parking space) decides to park a car or two over on our driveway. Now, that's just a relatively minor annoyance since we really don't go too terribly many places, but what annoys me most about these giant-ass trucks, is that the won't park them on their own damn side of the complex. They park them on the side that I live on and plug the truck into the outside outlet on my side. Frankly, go raise your own damn power bill, quit doing it to mine. I'm about ready to put duct tape over the damn outlet. But I'll just stick with unplugging it every night. I'm sorry, did your semi truck stop working because it wasn't plugged in and now you've lost your job and you can't ay for the apartment anymore so you have to move out? Guess what? I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. I know that's only wishful thinking, but I still don't care. Moving on, the mother and daughter have this little 'activity' that just adds onto the creep factor. Anybody wanna guess what they do? Huh? No one? Okay, well they like to take broom handles and dig through the dumpster to see what everyone got (especially if we recently got packages in the mail). I know, wtf, right? So around Christmas, we got quite a few packages for things we had ordered online. One of which was a collector's set of the Nolan-verse Batman Trilogy on Blu-Ray from the WB Shop. So, we waited and waited for it to show up. (Mind you, we keep our curtains closed at pretty much all times for previously stated reasons.) So we didn't see when the truck pulled up to deliver to us. And these fuckers TOOK OUR PACKAGE. *AND OPENED IT!* We didn't realize this til we saw a package laying outside THEIR door, already opened. *WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT?!?!* And now, lately, I believe they have been trying to break into our apartment. I don't know if they are trying to see all of the things we got recently or they want to take them. I just don't know. But frankly, I don't feel comfortable or safe here anymore. And I especially don't feel comfortable leaving our place all alone whenever we have to go out. We've always had minor problems with our deadbolt lock, but they could be fixed with minimal jiggling or just lifting the door up a little to get the lock to slide in. No problem. But a week or two ago, we suddenly couldn't even push the key into the lock and if we tried, I'm sure the key would have broken. So we replaced the lock, no biggie, right? Well, the other day, we pulled up in mom's car coming home from doing laundry, and as we pulled up, Creeper Girl immediately got on her cell phone, said something and ran back inside. Now, we didn't notice this til a few moments after we got all our things inside, but our door handle was suddenly really loose. And my bf JUST replaced it a few days after he moved in with me back in August, so it was still a good handle and was pretty sturdy up until now. While we are looking into getting renter's insurance asap, it's still nerve-wracking because we have things that can't be replaced by insurance, such as family heirlooms, baby books/photos, etc. But at the same time, I don't WANT to live in constant anxiety that something could easily happen because of my fucktard neighbors or the faulty wiring of the complex (which is a whole different story). Here at the end of February/beginning of March, we'll be able to save up a little money, and I want to look into moving. Since this has been an awful experience, I would rather rent a small house than ever come back to an apartment. And I kind of don't care that we break the lease agreement, because they haven't exactly held up their end very well, either. The electrical problems and various plumbing problems have been going on for some time now, and they've done little to nothing about it. Any time I've tried contacting them, it takes DAYS to hear anything back, be it via email or call. And usually they just 'send someone' out to see it and the person says it's no big deal. We finally got them to actually take a look at the electrical breaker and they told us that it would have to be replaced and they'll contact us when they're going to do that. That was a week ago and I haven't heard anything since. They also told us not to worry about it and that it wouldn't cause a fire. Um, HELLO??? IT'S ELECTRICAL WIRING. IT COULD EASILY CAUSE A FIRE. Especially since the breaker kicks off ON IT'S OWN and makes sizzling/crackling/sparking noises. Hell, the nightlight we had plugged into the bathroom? HAS BURN MARKS ON IT. It's really quite terrible here. So, I would like to move. ASAP. But first I'm going to go through with something my mom actually suggested. My aunt is a janitor and has access to these body-sized trash bags so I'm going to have one of my brother come over and I'm going to have a "fight" with him. I'll find some crashing noises to make and then try to make a big deal out of it and maybe make it sound like I committed manslaughter. Then frantically try to "clean everything up" and "dispose" of the body by dragging it up the stairs in one of those bags. Now, I'm not really going to torture my brother by putting him in the bag, so I'm going to gather enough trash to fill it in the shape of a body, then add a little weight to it and maybe use some leftover fake blood from Halloween or make my own. Then, drag the "body" up the stars, making sure to make a ton of noise, whilst "trying" to be quiet and if Creeper Girl catches me, I'm going to turn to her, put a finger up to my lips and tell her "You're next." Kind of evil, I know, and if I get the cops called on me, what are they going to do? Arrest me for stuffing trash into a bag and telling the little girl next door that I'm going to make one in her size next? They would laugh their asses off! Anyways, I know that quite a bit of this novel-esque rant makes me sound like a whiny lil bitch, but in my mind I'm totally justified. What are your thoughts on it all? Any suggestions?