And now I'm using Pokemon references. -sigh- Guess I'll never get away from being a nerd, huh? Oh well. This is going to be a relatively long journal, so here's the Table of Contents so you can skip to an interesting part. Even though all of it is just me rambling on and complain about my life and is in no way, shape, or form, interesting.
I. In which I express and explain my anger over getting kicked out of church.
II. In which I express all my emotion over the loss of what few friends I had.
III. In which I explain random little details bothering me in life now.
IV. In which I question whether or not I want to get married after all.
I. My family was kicked out of church recently by court. My dad was (stupidly) emailing back and forth with one of the new girls to help her with a science project. (Or maybe it was a church project. Either way, totally harmless and innocent.) My 16-year old brother has seen the emails and has told me they were fine... until SHE got aggressive. So then, the youth minister (who I have never liked anyways because he is a hypocrite and he downright insulted my taste in music) decides to tell this girl's grandfather to 'watch out' for my dad. Which is hilariously stupid because my dad is a good man and did nothing wrong. Not to mention he was a COP at one point in time. Next thing I know, Dad gets a court order for no contact between him and the church. He can't go within 800 feet of the church or her school. Not that that matters because the town the church is in is an hour away from us anyways. However, this is the second church we have been kicked out of because of stupid, judgmental people. The first one was because I moved in with a man that I'm not married to. And yes, that is solely my fault, but the rest of my family didn't feel like taking in all the criticism and the stares. Turns out this second church was no different on that front. One of the members decided she should voice her opinion about my 'living in sin' to my mother instead of taking it up with me personally. Though, I was pretty sure the bible says that is you have a problem with someone, you take it to THEM, not to their family and certainly not to court. -sigh- I'll be honest, I've completely lost faith in man and in religion. In God? I don't know yet...
II. You know what really sucks though? Because of the above section, I now have no friends. Through other situations, I lost most of the other ones, but the church thing really fucked up what little social life I had left. One of my friends is in England on Air Force duty, another is in college far away from me, and I pushed two really good friends away because I couldn't handle their constant bitching at me about each other anymore. A few months back, I also pushed away another really good friend because she and her husband wanted to have sex with me and I was offended. (I have since apologized and tried to mend the bond, but she has made it clear she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.) The few friends from church that I liked and would actually try to keep in contact with, won't talk to me anymore. So I reached out to the girl I had a crush on in college. She told me she would move out here when she graduated and she would keep me company. I had to laugh because I knew it was a joke, but... I wouldn't mind it. Right now, I just want SOMEONE to talk face to face with.
III. Which leads me to somehow talk about the other little problems going on. First off, I am getting really fucking tired of BF's dad jerking us around with the whole car situation. He has been telling us he is going to drive a car out to us SINCE SEPTEMBER. And now he's decided t=he would rather just have us buy a car and he'll fly out and help us pick it out. But he's 'still on the fence' about driving the other one out to us. It's really pissing me off. BF and I are not counting on anything from his side of the family anymore. We will just have to save up and get a car sometime in a year or 2. After I'm done saving up the $3300 I owe the government because I'm an independent contractor. Even though I've been with the company I work for for 2 1/2 years. I know it's stupid, but it would be nice if they would make me an actual employee so I could actually get insurance (I can't afford it right now) and so I could NOT have to give the IRS $3300 by the end of the year. Oh, and my depression is back in full swing. I'm getting damn good at hiding it, but I don't know for how long. I know sooner or later the urge to want to die will come back too. Oh well.
IV. I'll be honest, I don't actually know if I do want to marry this man. Recently he has exhibited behaviors that I don't like and disagree with immensely. Maybe I'm just uber-controlling. I don't like hurting people, least of all him, but I'll give it more time to be sure. I do keep getting the urge to pick up and leave, though. Not just him, but my current life in general. I'm not happy. I'm stuck. And I don't know what to do. I was going to expand on this more, but now, I kinda don't want to. I think I'm just gonna go lay down and cry for awhile...